postrevisionist

I can’t be upset you need time away from me.  I understand.  It hurt my feelings though that I was aware that you were purposefully not making time for me.  But you told me that.  And that’s okay.  Friends don’t need to see each other every day, but I don’t think ignoring me for a week was appropriate either.  The days here are kinda long.  But go by fast.  But while its day, I don’t really understand things and I’m confused and I’m sad and I don’t want to be confused and I don’t want to be sad.

I don’t want to be told to talk to someone.  I want to be alone.  Leave me alone.  

I’m being whiney.  Stop being whiney.  This sounds more angry than I am.  I guess I have mixed feelings.  I always have mixed feelings.  

I’m afraid to be left.

Please, don’t leave me.

my life should come with a disclaimer of sorts.

you make me feel very dumb and naive.

not sure where I belong.

not sure what I want.

I am a shitty friend to the people that are good to me and a good friend to the people that are shitty to me.

COOL

I feel like a little girl with a silly crush when ur around and I just want u to like kiss my forehead or something lame

Being around you makes me happy.  Cute, short, happy interactions.  Always a little awkward, though.  I like that.  I think we are both sad and a little confused and I want to be around you more.  I hope you make an effort to keep me in your life; I am too shy to.

I realized I am queen of exaggeration.  If someone doesnt text me for a day that doesn’t mean we’re not friends, or that they hate me or whatever.  Things are normal.  And I am dumb.  And I’m glad I have people in my life that will tell me when I am being dumb.  Thank you.

Having different people around me is refreshing.  Having alone time is too.  I’m trying to have alone time that I value and don’t feel sad during.  I’m working on it.

I’m still working on me.  I guess thats obvious because I’m still doing this.  I’m glad I was pushed into this. I hope whoever I become is someone I will like, someone open to trying new things.

I’m trying to channel my energies into better things.

But I still woke up at 5 AM to feel anxious and not knowing what to do.

You promised me you would be there for me and then just left

I guess I don’t know why I’m still writing.  I guess I’m telling myself its going to help.  Does it? Has it been?  I started on Friday, and already have missed days.  That’s okay though.  I keep telling myself that things are going to be okay.  I think they are though, they must be.  Everything works out.  I was called toxic, but I don’t think it’s me that toxic; I kinda think its you.  But two against one, and I knew I was being shitty.  I expected too much I think.  I always do.  But I can’t keep lowering my expectations.  Every time I build them up for someone, and begin to trust them, they remind me why I don’t do that.  And just stop, I’m so over this.

I want to go to bed.  I want to fall under my covers and be alone and never see anyone again.  But I want to so be with so many different people right now.  I just.  I want things to be different.  And only I can make them different.  

I can’t place blame.  That’s lame, it’s childish.  But in this moment I can only do so much, and the rest is going to come together.  The other things will work themselves out.  This is a shitty way to live; assuming everything will be okay.  Maybe I’m naive, and 20 and a dumb college student, but it’s how I think.  And that’s cool.  It’s cool.